Quotes


I'm not going to an undisclosed location, this isn't a drug deal

Maybe the black witch is after me

Back off fuckstick

it's like letting Grandpa moderate the twitch channel

$62,000 that thing better wipe my ass

So i think I'm setting myself up for another ten minutes of losing my will to survive

we're so separated that we're probably in the 1920's

dawg am i ordering food or data? i don't know

Get your hands off of me princess

well I'm not really a doctor..I'm an Electrician

you wanna know what that N stands for? "NOT HAPPENING"

were they trying to summon some demon?

this feels like a hostage negotiation

there goes my Bronco down payment 

you alright man? Should I call an ambulance?

if my neighbors thought I was crazy then, now they know for sure 

I forgot you're single

did that dog just fucking talk?

it's like tryna microwave a burrito!

maybe i can sell it to the Arabs 

you sound like you're bouta come kidnap me

this society is a bunch of idiots 

McDonald's ain't got nothing on me

since he's giving out money let me get out the car and get some

It's a good sign when the ice cream truck is out at 8:00 PM 

same shit different day, and different universe too

She acts like she's 500lbs with asthma 

I'm ain't tryna talk I'm tryna gamble 

can you call back the second Tuesday of next week?

Anything looks bad through an illegal spy satellite

yeah, you can go through all four seasons in one day

the engine's on fire sir

it's a buttscratcher 2000, asswipe

if it's any consolation she looks like Grimace

Why don't you look it over, Einstein?

Are you acting like you know what you're doing because you're old?

it's on the corner of "Get a map" and "fuck off"

i love it even more than my seven wives

why are you peppering the steak? you don't know if tigers like pepper

are we just mealprepping coffee now?

look, it only took me nine years to figure this out

I'm gonna take this and buy 5 shares of Amazon.com

and if the Cat in The Hat drops by don't let him in the house

now i need you to call Time Warner about my bill

Three strikes and he's out, just like my cousin Freddy with the drugs

give me the legs? how about I hit you with one?

Quit acting like it's a problem 

and if you'd like to put your email on our sign up list I'd be happy to sell it to Russian hackers

They'll probably let him know before we drop another bomb on them

looks like Trump's employing the age old tatic known as "keep all the motherfucking snakes on the plane so they eat each other'

so uh, you got a lot of uh tide

they're connecting with the mannequins

That's what you told us a third of a kilometer ago you douche

you got me carrying enough weed to kill Willie fucking Nelson

yeah, that's science I'm not Houdini

is it okay if i tell your insurance i gave you heart surgery?

i told you it's menthol, so it's healthier than an apple

I don't think he should even drive a go kart

congratulations you have been pre-rejected for our credit card!

I'm single because I'm still deciding what superhero I want to be

I can't count but I'll spend some money 

this ain't the declaration of independence I don't care if it looks pretty

my lawyer has advised me to not answer that question 

Asking about my last gf is like tryna Google a famous person by asking "FAMOUS ACTOR"

don't bogart it dude

waka waka who wants to hear a funny ass joke?

you wouldn't get mad at your dog for not being able to speak German

Ay bro, hit this—wait... oh shit, you got gills

i didn't know you were a psychic

I'll come over there and slap the C Dog shit out of you

Steven what are you doing in there? ....uh... drugs!

damn near lucky i didn't smoke meth

No, it's fucking Daft Punk

You know the weed is strong when the leaves start blinking

these fireworks are Illegal-even in Russia

there ain't a pack of menthols on this planet

there's nothing like getting mugged in our nations capital

why do I taste metal? that must be the flavor of knowledge

how about you guys just rob a bank, like an adult?

Did you check your TCP/IP settings?

maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery

I can do cocaine if I want to

what now Pinocchio?

my god you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp

you ever tried char grilled eggo?

fried as fuck on a camel

maybe I am stupid I don't know

I am also prepared to meet Putin in my basement dungeon.

this is how we know the Egyptians existed

Peter did you take Stewie to the strip club?

it's a 30 minute walk but I can run

Wanna play 52 pickup?

sir you need to get oil change, no sleep

sweating like a pig in a slaughterhouse

When you get glow-in-the-dark pee, you'll know that somethings up

now I'm the majority owner of Colgate

Am I going to a house or the fucking batcave

Just be grateful there's kids in Gaza that have no weed

Maybe they just identify as a baboon's anus

well fuck me backwards with a telegraph pole

the Walmart CEO can see my nuts

I can use it to slay Nazis or something

Okay Jeffrey Dahmer 

if there's a purge they're coming after me first let's be honest

it's ok I have a narcotic smelling horse here

that man looks like a boiled chicken, I don't get it

give him a Percocet, that'll knock it out

Tomorrow's Christmas, or did you forget?

dude tell me something I don't know

I have actual work to do unlike you guys

My blood sucking tick needs me

Please do not fuck the owl

Stab patient in the right ventricle

Should I just snort it? somebody tell me no

your butt hurts? well my anus hurts